Bite my tongue

I'm not immune to frustrations and anxiety. I recognize that in myself.

What I can't stand is the way it can affect my relationships. There are days when things seem to pile up from every direction and all I can do is slowly lose my mind. Certainly all these things are more manageable than I have made them out to be. Not to mention how if I didn't procrastinate, I wouldn't have this problem.

Certainly why it is happening is irrelevant, and I even accept that it is happening. Yet I despise how it emanates from me. I do not want lunches to be a chore due my ranting about "all the shit I have to do today". I do not want texts to friends to have a "Why are you asking me stupid questions every ten seconds," when they are perfectly reasonable questions, that any other day I would happily answer.

I'm still trying to figure this out. "This" being how to have emotions or anxiety or frustration, and not allow it to have an impact on faultless people. It is difficult. I want to be grumpy and not have to work at maintaining a civil conversation. I'd like to sulk and ignore the planet. In the long run, it will get easier. I won't need to battle my inner dialogue continuously.

To those who tolerate me on days like today: Thank you, and I'm sorry.

Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
A little light never hurt nobody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

Oh, if this little light of mine
Combined with yours today,
How many watts could we luminate?
How many villages could we save?
And my umbrella's tired of the weather,
Wearing me down.
Well, look at me now.

You should look as good as your outlook,
Would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You've got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
And much too full on the pain,
When I look to the sky to help me
And sometimes it looks like rain.

As the sun shines on other people's houses
And not mine,
And the sky paints those clouds in a way
That it takes away the summertime,
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
If theres a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine 


Thanks Jason. That helped.

When did we get here?

When did all of this happen?

Why do we ask "what are we going to do tomorrow?" and not "what are we going to do today?"

When did we start making choices for their repercussions on the future? We're in a mindset that today is only as important as the impact it has on tomorrow. Yet there isn't any guarantee on tomorrow, just the moment we exist in now.

Why do we spend so much time working at things we don't care about? Why is there a constant effort to meet a goal that we never set in the first place? Why don't we drop everything and pursue the one thing that we all care about most?

Why am I so worried about what other people think? Why don't I dance when I feel the urge? Why don't I scream song lyrics out, regardless of the twenty people around me on the bike path? Why do people who are more stupid than I am, make me so frustrated?

Does this ever stop? Is there ever a day when I don't care what happens tomorrow, or what responsibilities are coming, and I can just enjoy the moment? Is there a day when we can just love, and not do a single thing besides that?

Does that day exist?

If it does, where the fuck is it?