Disconnected

This summer so far has showed me something that I didn't expect.

The people in this house, they aren't my family anymore.

Don't mistake that for me wanting to disown them or something. They'll always be my family, the people who brought me up and always give me support. Yet for the past two years, I haven't been here for any real length of time. I wasn't here for the passing of my great grandmother. I wasn't home when mom and dad decided to take the dogs to the shelter. I didn't see the struggles that occurred when Alyssa came home for emergency surgery, and then for her medical withdrawal.

Just as I wasn't here for countless struggles over the last two years, my family wasn't by my side for mine. As I worked to get my grades up, the year of being an RA and all the idiocy and pain the position brings.

The people that were there are my friends. Bryan was by my side as I struggled with deciding to be an RA again. Katie was there as I struggled to find if I was actually a good big brother. The McConnell staff saw me become a complete ass the night of SnowBall, and have to humble myself with apologies.

That's my family. Those people. And right now, none of them are here. Thousands of miles separate me from all of them. That's what makes this summer so difficult, that the people who really know me aren't here.

Don't get me wrong, talking to you everyday keeps me sane. It isn't the same though, being next to you is so much better.

Surname

Having your last name mean something is sort of an old school thought. Unless you're the child of some movie star or professional athlete your name probably isn't recognized.

I went to a pizza place to apply for a job the other day. My dad has worked there for years on an off, between jobs and for extra money on occasion. Handing the application to a manager, he eventually noticed the field where you list who referred you.

"Oh, how do you know Ed Goodloe?"

"He's my father"

"No way!? Another Goodloe"

Both managers shook my hand, and the one with my application told me he'd give it to the owner saying "Your name holds a lot of weight around here"

What a feeling. I've always been proud of my parents, and always aspired to have a work ethic as strong and dedicated as my fathers. Hearing that the hard working role model I look up to has made a name for himself was awesome.

Safe to say that I'll be busting my ass if I get that job.

Times Like These

It's difficult to know what to say at times like this. The end of a school year always brings a time for pondering and new beginnings. A fresh saga of pain and creation.

Change isn't as scary to me as it once was. I can uproot myself and change scenery without much thought. A new job, fresh living arrangement, an open pit of financial struggles. These are all things that have just become a part of life since college, and will likely continue for years down the road.

The change isn't the hard part. Being home, a new opportunity and seeing friends is all exciting and welcome. It's the lack of color. It's the way everything looks, or doesn't look. The way things smell or the lack of that smell. It's not an empty feeling or a "hole in the heart". Think of it more like the involuntary actions of the human body. You don't think about breathing or your heart beating. Yet if they weren't there, you'd be dead. Or lost.

I'm lost.

I told you I was going to be emo for a while.